Memory Lane....

I generaly always go back to this ol faithfull trip in my wrinkled over gray spot some call a brain . With the help of the Evil One it is no big task at all , he likes to be in control of the rewind button on the movie projecter up there . A little about the past that always gets me upset and frustrated is the fact that when I was young I got the great words of my father .... " If you cant talk your way out of a fight , run away - live to run another day " . Yea that work out so well in middle school , got my ass beat almost every day for 3 years cause I was to afraid to fight back , I would run like a screaming girl down any street or alley I could run to get away , only to be caught to be beat on time and time again . I would never fight back because of the most imoprtant message my father ever taught me , run you little bitch run ... ther is no exaggeration on the beatings from kids from the 6th to 8th grade for my whole middle school stay , 3 years almost on a daily basis . The Evil One likes to go back alot to those most precious times and cut me deep , so deep that I need a transfusion of reality to slap my dome to keep me on the narrow road of sanity as most pepole call it . Evil Bastard does that quick rewind to the times I would see the cool kids - a.k.a. the bullies - as they would head my way , mostly in school because I could not escape to the streets or my favorite get home with no beating the gutter . I could fit in the opening at the street in to the storm drain and could follow the tubes to come up on my street about 1/2 mile away . I would get the shit beat out of me and with the words of Father ringing in my head I never fought back never once did I through a punch back . At the end of 8th grade is the Evil Bastards most cherished event , when the big bully came up to apologize for the wrong he had done to me during the year . I like the scared shaking shit that I was reached for his left hand to accept , when he had my hand he squeezed it and pulled me in to a right hand that landed right on the side off my eye that cracked my eye socket . The Evil One has a little bit of good in him because he play the next clip with that one , I made a promise to my self that day . I WILL NEVER GO DOWN WITH OUT A FIGHT AGAIN . If I get to go home and nurse my wounds , then my enemy gets to go home in pain also . The day after my hit to the eye socket was the last day of 8th grade and the bully was getting in his locker , I ran up and slmed the locked on his arms and when he fell on the ground I put the Nazi stomp to his dome over and over until a coach pulled me in the air like a sack of potatos and I was dragged to the office. From that day to this one right now I will never back down , run , or show fear to another piece of shit that wants to do me harm . Now I tell myself - NEVER RUN * STAND AND FIGHT - like my ancestors of the Great Isle of Ireland .
P.A.

Hate Thy Self...

The last few nights have been filled with sounds of the Evil One telling me how super great he is and how much of a worthless pathetic person I am . If for nothing else I think it for his own twisted up fun to see how many differnt ways he can get me to feel like total shit . Also to make me doubt everything and everyone around me . I take everything personaly when I get rejected on anything I ask and thats when the Evil Bastard comes back out to murder me again like its his civic duty to blugen my brain with his youth dagger . I started the nights good listening to my Irish Folk music and it quickly deteriorated in to me hating everything that I do . I listened to him tell me that why are my need less important than everyone elses , truly they are not but he tells me that everyone elses are more important than mine . So I start down that long black hole of trying to relive all the bad monents in the last few years and like that broken record that gets stuck on the big scratch , I sit on the same events over and over all night . For some reason it allways goes back to lack of physical affection in my relationship , why does it allways go back there . Then I am reminded that I am to pushy I try to force the issue which pushes her farther away . I start to say fuck it a get pissed off that I just want , maybe need aliite affection . Then I start to think that maybe me asking to for a massage or to give one is consitered pressure ? So I tell my self no more will I ask or offer , I will wait till she comes to me . In pops the Basatrd and he spits his truth about she is better than you and you dont wear the pants , she does and will tell you what is what , when is when , so the Evil One stomps on my brain with al his might till I just realy want to dig him out with an ice pick and just go for self . So honestly he wins and I belive he is right that I am less than everyone else and that I should just sit back and wait and put all my own needs and wants in a locked up hole in my head and just bow my head down and walk through this life in the waiting position . Well it time to go face the demon tonight in that small confined space behind my eyeballs , damn I wish it would stop , but i have no idea on how to end it .
P.A.