Memory Lane....

I generaly always go back to this ol faithfull trip in my wrinkled over gray spot some call a brain . With the help of the Evil One it is no big task at all , he likes to be in control of the rewind button on the movie projecter up there . A little about the past that always gets me upset and frustrated is the fact that when I was young I got the great words of my father .... " If you cant talk your way out of a fight , run away - live to run another day " . Yea that work out so well in middle school , got my ass beat almost every day for 3 years cause I was to afraid to fight back , I would run like a screaming girl down any street or alley I could run to get away , only to be caught to be beat on time and time again . I would never fight back because of the most imoprtant message my father ever taught me , run you little bitch run ... ther is no exaggeration on the beatings from kids from the 6th to 8th grade for my whole middle school stay , 3 years almost on a daily basis . The Evil One likes to go back alot to those most precious times and cut me deep , so deep that I need a transfusion of reality to slap my dome to keep me on the narrow road of sanity as most pepole call it . Evil Bastard does that quick rewind to the times I would see the cool kids - a.k.a. the bullies - as they would head my way , mostly in school because I could not escape to the streets or my favorite get home with no beating the gutter . I could fit in the opening at the street in to the storm drain and could follow the tubes to come up on my street about 1/2 mile away . I would get the shit beat out of me and with the words of Father ringing in my head I never fought back never once did I through a punch back . At the end of 8th grade is the Evil Bastards most cherished event , when the big bully came up to apologize for the wrong he had done to me during the year . I like the scared shaking shit that I was reached for his left hand to accept , when he had my hand he squeezed it and pulled me in to a right hand that landed right on the side off my eye that cracked my eye socket . The Evil One has a little bit of good in him because he play the next clip with that one , I made a promise to my self that day . I WILL NEVER GO DOWN WITH OUT A FIGHT AGAIN . If I get to go home and nurse my wounds , then my enemy gets to go home in pain also . The day after my hit to the eye socket was the last day of 8th grade and the bully was getting in his locker , I ran up and slmed the locked on his arms and when he fell on the ground I put the Nazi stomp to his dome over and over until a coach pulled me in the air like a sack of potatos and I was dragged to the office. From that day to this one right now I will never back down , run , or show fear to another piece of shit that wants to do me harm . Now I tell myself - NEVER RUN * STAND AND FIGHT - like my ancestors of the Great Isle of Ireland .
P.A.

Hate Thy Self...

The last few nights have been filled with sounds of the Evil One telling me how super great he is and how much of a worthless pathetic person I am . If for nothing else I think it for his own twisted up fun to see how many differnt ways he can get me to feel like total shit . Also to make me doubt everything and everyone around me . I take everything personaly when I get rejected on anything I ask and thats when the Evil Bastard comes back out to murder me again like its his civic duty to blugen my brain with his youth dagger . I started the nights good listening to my Irish Folk music and it quickly deteriorated in to me hating everything that I do . I listened to him tell me that why are my need less important than everyone elses , truly they are not but he tells me that everyone elses are more important than mine . So I start down that long black hole of trying to relive all the bad monents in the last few years and like that broken record that gets stuck on the big scratch , I sit on the same events over and over all night . For some reason it allways goes back to lack of physical affection in my relationship , why does it allways go back there . Then I am reminded that I am to pushy I try to force the issue which pushes her farther away . I start to say fuck it a get pissed off that I just want , maybe need aliite affection . Then I start to think that maybe me asking to for a massage or to give one is consitered pressure ? So I tell my self no more will I ask or offer , I will wait till she comes to me . In pops the Basatrd and he spits his truth about she is better than you and you dont wear the pants , she does and will tell you what is what , when is when , so the Evil One stomps on my brain with al his might till I just realy want to dig him out with an ice pick and just go for self . So honestly he wins and I belive he is right that I am less than everyone else and that I should just sit back and wait and put all my own needs and wants in a locked up hole in my head and just bow my head down and walk through this life in the waiting position . Well it time to go face the demon tonight in that small confined space behind my eyeballs , damn I wish it would stop , but i have no idea on how to end it .
P.A.

Wont shut up....

I have been to the Place I Hate to much lately and every time I go Evil Bastard shows up with his stright jacket on and his Nazi youth dagger to fillet my brain . The Bastard can take any slice of reality and spin and weave his own little piece of heaven in hell for me , he shows up in the dead of the night to inteject his nonsence in to the grey matter that sloosh's around in my cranium . The Bastard takes a completely innocent thing like my wife going out with her friend for coffee and twists it into a full blown bad scenario , he starts with why does it take 3 hours for a cup of coffee ? Why would it take that long for coffee ? Is there something else ? There has to be , cause coffee gets cold after some time and you dont drink it . Thats when it goes to - well she doesnt evey touch me or she doesnt want me , she must not want me and if thats so then why am I here ? Cant even get a hug during the day cause she is to busy rushing around the house to take the 20 seconds to make me feel wanted . So there has to be some reason she takes that long for coffee , is it that she finds eveyone else attractive and not me ? Now it time for me to tell the Bastart to shut the fuck up , here is your Guyana Punch - now go to sleep you fuck . The Bsatard drinks up his cyanide puch to the last drop and asks for more , then returns to the scene of his blood craving deep in the cerebral cortex of grey matter . Now I am thinking of putting the face paint on and running down the halls with my Machete making everyone's necks bloody , so he rturns with a vengance to the senario of my wife now not at the coffee house but somewere other than here doing who knows what with someone I have never meet . Do I truly belive it .... No ..... at the time yes cause The Evil Bastard has a mind control that I have not been able to overcome . So now I am back to the why's ? What is wrong with me ? She hasn't reached out to touch my hand in months , she hasn't stopped me to give me a hug in forever , she hasn't looked at me since I don't know when . There has to be something wrong with me , thats it - it is me - I must be unattractive , it must be I am unhappy that what it must be , I am mean , I am upset all the time , I am worthless , I am depressing to everone around me , thats why she doesn't want me . Now that I have murdered my selfesteam , lets get on to the daily assassination of my mind . Now I just go over senario after senario , until I am at the point of lossing my mind , then I get a text saying she is on her way home and I all of a sudden cant wait to see her . Thats when the Evil Bastard returns to his Bastard cave to wait in utter darkness til the next time he can come out and walk through the death fields of the brain ..... just a very small glimps of what I see in the the dark of myself , I am not that good at this I dont belive but then again I feel that I am just talking to myself all over again . Were are my padded walls ? I am going to go until later .......
P.A.

Many hours ...

I have been at The Place I Hate the most to long this week , and have been tweaked out the whole time at managment . I have to go back in tonight and deal with there retarded way of doing the most simple task . If they would let us just do what needs to be done we could get ahead , but they want it done the there way as they sit in there offices and have no idea what it really takes to do the task at hand . Well I will be back tomorrow and unload what the Evil Bastard has put me through the last couple of days .
P.A.

Nightly Monster.....

Last night the Nightly Monster reared its ugly bastard head again . Was not having the best night at the Place I Hate , Yet getting through with little problems while listening to I.C.P. . Thats when I found out that I made the #2 soccer team , was not good enough for the #1 team but none the less I get to go to the soccer tournament up north in May. Was feeling rather good so I told my Wife that I made the team , need less to say my Evil Bastard that runs loose and rampid with a nazi youth dagger in my mind decided to go ahead and start craving up any bit of good that could have come from a conversation . Everything quickly went to hell in my head and he was having fun rolling in the blood and remains of what was a decent time . During my conversation via text messaging , which is all I can do at the time and place The Bastard came in and highjacked what little control I had of reality at the time . He read into the messages and turned everything inside out and made me dout thing wit my relationship . Why is the biggest thing that hits me in the head every time , when things are happy and good he stabbs the dagger deeper in my mind and twist it until I am questioning all that is good with me . Is it me ? Is that why she shys away , why does she not want to get close , why do I feel I am at the bottom of the power pole in the house . Why do I feel like all my wants get looked over because the wants of others are more important , why is everyone else more important than me ? Need less to say I crucified myself in my mind after The Nightly Monster went and put my mind in choke hold and laughed at me for screwing eveything up . Now that I feel like complete shit again reliving it over and over in my head I will go , need to get ready to do it again tonight at The Place I Hate the most in life . Lets see what will happen tonight .
P.A.

Not To Loud....

The past couple of days has been kinda quiet in my head , only because I have had the last few days off from the Place I Hate . I do have to go back tonight so all the backstabbing voices will rear there ugly sides and fill my mind with all sorts of twisted views on how my life is not worth the ground it walks on . It always gets worse when I am alone in my head for hours on end . I can say that the stories and fantasies that come up are intertaning to say the least . But then they take on the ugly side and I start to belive them as reality , always second guessing what is happening when I am not there or letting all the chattering bastards win in my head gets to be to much at times but I dont know any other way . I do have some things I do that helps keep everything abit quiet at times , which include Photography , Welding , & my Streetbike . While I am in the middle of any activity the voices go home and rest I belive. I might start another blog with my Photos or I might just post here I am not sure . All I can say at this point is that I dont know if this is helping me or if it is going to help me to keep putting words on the screen but all I can do is keep trying to see if it works .
P.A.

The Evil One....

I have been battling the Evil One , he is the bastard of the bunch . He is the one that yells at me , always telling me that I am not worth anything . Makes me question eveything about my self and my very existence . Am I good enough , am I not good enough , why does she like me , why does she stay with me , who am I realy . I know that I have many talents , but why does the bastard always tell me that no matter what I do it is not good enough . I get all twisted and my mind run off to the darkside of reality and into the outer realm of an alter universe and I lose grip of the reality that we live in . I start to belive the voices and it turns my world in to a total hell in my head . I am always asking myself what I have done wrong when I have done nothing at all . I start to belive that I am in trouble for any and everything I do around the house . Like I have to tiptoe around to keep everyone else happy and I feel like my insides are all twisted up and my opinions dont count . Like my wants and needs no matter how small they are or seam to be just dont matter . The Evil one tells me that no matter how good I have it he is here to get in my head and destroy my thoughts and send me down the bad and ugly path that does nothing but cause me my own misery . I fall in to a hole and hit the floor , and then fall though another till I cant get any deeper and then fall again . It puts everyone around me in to a terible tailspin , and for what ? Because the Evil bastard whats me to be misirable and everyone around me to be misirable too . I am going to stop here , I am not sure about any of this or anything at this point so I will go and come back another day.
P.A.

First look.....

This is the first time I have ever thought about doing this. So I am going to see what happens . I am really just going to let anyone know that this is a place were I just want to let the voices in my head talk somewere other than yelling at me all the time . The chaos that battles in my head can get to be to much at times , I lose more battles and conversations with myself than I care to remember . I have a real hard time with not listening to lies that my mind tries to play on me , I know that I should look at reality and see the truth right there in front of me . But I always go back and battle my head and voices until they get me beliving there side of a twisted false reality . So for today I think I will get ready to go back to the place I so very much hate to visit to make money .
P.A